Saturday, March 14, 2009

Nausea

Gary and I were having a discussion last night about his life, and I happened to ask him if he was ever married. He said no, because he was gay. He then asked, "didn't you know?" and I said, "nope I had no idea."

I was fine for a while, but then the feeling of nausea started building through the rest of the night. Just to make things clear to the people who don't know me, I have no problem with gay people or people being gay or whatever. I don't think they're any less of a person.

Here's what happened:
1. I stayed in a private room with Gary for 4 nights in Manaus. There was no problem but now I wonder if the hostel staff thought something funny was going on
2. I found out James (gary's friend in manaus) and his roommate in Rio was gay too, which I didn't notice either. I wonder if James thought something that I didn't.
3. I saw 2 guys heavily making out in the middle of the street , which grossed me out. My stomach can't take stuff that is so explicit and in your face.
4. Gary told me guys were checking me out last night. I didn't notice of course. Then he told me it's because I'm the only good looking asian guy there. That was too much.
5. Gary went home with some guy he met on the street last night. Yeah, I'm serious here. Not a joke. I took the bus home myself. Thinking about what he did with that guy has been making me gag all morning.
6. Before he left, he was joking with a friend asking him to set me up with a boy or a girl. I said girls only please. He said, "are you sure?" and laughed. I realize he was joking but I think I threw up a little in my mouth because I wasn't 100% sure he was joking.

I have also realized why Gary seems to only make guy friends the whole time. I had a funny feeling about that earlier last week. I also now realize why Gary likes Rio and LA so much. I was trying to figure out and now I can see a major part of it. This place is completely accepting of gay culture and it's very comfortable here for gay people.

I also realize why everytime I asked him "did you see that girl's body?" or "did you see what she was wearing?" he hadn't noticed. He never did. That makes me laugh thinking about it.

Now everytime he touches me on the arm or shoulder while talking I notice. Stuff that wouldn't even make me flinch if I knew he was straight. I'm not offended by it, but this is a new environment for me so I'm just learning about what's going on around me. I'm like super hyperaware of everything going on and it's kind of driving me nuts. Even his name, Gary, reminds me of the word gay. Lol I really am going crazy.

Gary invited me to sit on the gay part of Ipanema Beach today. While I've been slightly nauseous still for the last hour I've been doing it. Just taking it like a man, I guess you could say. This trip is a learning experience for me and I figure I have something to learn by all this as well.

Here's what I've noticed so far:
1. There's a lot of guys on this beach
2. Everyone's really friendly
3. Guys are trying to meet eyes with me, which I'm avoiding like the plague. This could be the same as always, but I'm hyperaware as I stated earlier, and there's like 90% guys in the area.
4. Some of the women look kinda masculine
5. There are also some hetero couples in the same area, or at least I think they're hetero. Haha

I'm going to have to get up and leave soon. My body can't take too much more of this. I've had to close my eyes a couple of times and try to think of something else.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get out of the damn damn dirty area immediately and don't ever see that damn people again.
I feel my stomoh sick even reading your writing here.

March 15, 2009 at 10:22 PM  
Blogger vovo said...

I do know you (or, at least i knew the decent version of you)...& i'm amazed that you have the audacity to claim that "I have no problem with gay people or people being gay or whatever. I don't think they're any less of a person."

Wow. If you could actually fess up to being the homophobe you are, I might be less disgusted with your ability to analyze who the real pariah is.

March 16, 2009 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

"Some of the women look kinda masculine" because they are not female or perhaps pre-op. Just don't bend over to pick up loose change. Seriously, they are all people too and maybe you just need to learn to be more comfortable with them. Didn't you hand out in the Capitol area a lot here? It's pretty much the same thing.

April 2, 2009 at 1:37 PM  

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